This week has definitely been pretty hectic and busy, but it all worked out in the end.

My brother got married! It seriously is pretty amazing and it's kind of hard for me to wrap my mind around that. Two families merging. I have like 20 different relatives now, it's shocking.

And weddings are definitely not easy to plan or do. I didn't even get married and I was nervous and busy the whole weekend! All my relatives came over my house, and some of them are even staying in my room for the next 2 weeks. It's really tiring for me, and I can't wait to get my room back.

But I realized that my brother got married the same age as my mom, and I've seen my mom's wedding photos countless of times. And it really hits me, because we're all getting older, and my brother is going through the same process my mom has gone though since she had us. I mean, I'm still 19, I think I'm young, but to see my family constantly getting older, and years are going by so much faster now, I feel pressured to really pursue everything I want to do now. 

I really don't want to slack off anymore. I want to try hard in school and get into the music department and make music and be successful. I just started practicing piano again, and I have a lot of work to do. But I really want to push myself to be the person I want to be. I feel so complacent and "mainstream". I really want to define myself and what I am and what people see me and know me as.

Back to piano.
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Man, I hate having a meaningless existence.

I really need to "break through." I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I have to do something with my life. 

I know what I have to do to be satisfied with what I am, it's just I don't have motivation or assurance I want. 

I need to feel something.

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Haven't wrote anything for a while. But I have to say I've done a lot of thinking and soul searching and spending a shitload of money.

My goal of making a home recording studio is really working out now. I kind of got set back dropping $800 on a huge tv that barely fits on my desk, but I really think music is becoming, or maybe it always was, my life.

Today I also bought an Apogee Duet, a digital/analog converter which basically allows me to record instruments and vocals crystal clear. And if I hook it up with my best headphones, music sounds AMAZING. I've never heard songs as clear as they do now. I can literally hear vocalists breathing on their microphones. It was $500, and I have yet to feel the sting of the ridiculous purchase.




I just need to buy a decent condensor microphone to record vocals, acoustic guitar, and piano, which will cost around $300 to basically set up my recording setup. This is an AKG Perception 220, which is around that price.




This is an Alesis Micron, which is an awesome machine that does vocoder, except I don't plan on going completely T-Pain and Kanye with it, costs about $300.








I still want an electric guitar, like a Stratocaster, which will cost me another $500 or so,







and this Nord Electro, which is super awesome electric piano that has organs and such built in it. Costs around $1600, so I won't be able to afford this for a while.



I love everything about music. I love how music can transform any moment in your life into an emotional and thoughtful one. Like walking in the park or driving down the freeway. It helps me cope with my feelings, allows me to relax, makes me want to dance.

Animal Collective's new album is seriously the best thing that has happened to me this year so far. Who would've known that music can teach you so much, hell, anything at all?! This music is pure enjoyment. "In The Flowers", the song I have up right now, is such an inspirational track. The lyrics kind of reflect the band's sound, and my new found appreciation of everything. I've begun to realize my tastes in music have developed from preconceived notions. To be honest, I thought this music was weird at first. But I only thought that way because I thought others would think it was weird. I was thinking in the lines of how I believed that society would view the music. I learned to not assume anything when I listen to music, and take it as its face value. In fact, I apply that mentality of all aspects of my life now.

The lyric "feeling envy for the kid who'll dance despite anything" says it all. It doesn't matter what people think. It's about how you feel and the ability to indulge in anything, whether it's something big or small. Kids are so much wiser in the fact that they have the ability to appreciate anything, where as you grow older you just want more. You see, I realized that happiness isn't proportional to the amount of success you've achieved in life, it's rather its own constant. I never really understood the idea until now that a homeless man can be happier than a rich man, but it's all about the perspective and the ability to appreciate.

I want to make a music video SO badly for this song, or like a musical film or something for the whole album. It's so good. Anyone reading this should really check them out. Listen to this song, and imagine this. My idea for the video would be a guy walking through a desert or an outback with heatwaves and off focus shots, and he stops and sees that there's a single flower on the really dry rocky ground, and he picks it up, and looks around, and he sees a mirage-like figure of a girl and he walks towards her, and then starts running, and when the crescendo begins in the song, it flashes white and then the whole desert becomes fields of grass and flowers and he continues to follow her and she kind of dances along sort of... I don't know it looks so amazing in my head! I want to film something like this really soon.
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Something I clearly lack. 

And I can't seem to pick myself up. Because I'm my worst enemy. It's really distressing to realize your own mind puts you down. Is that what depression is? I don't know. For the past several years of my life, this is something that has been bothering me and I don't know how to fix it. 

Why do I always try, but can never be? It might not make sense, but I never seem to reach what I want. But there's no external forces against me, I can only blame myself. Those brief moments in my life when I feel like I can achieve something, it's only a few steps ahead when I say to myself that I will never become anything. 

I look at a mirror, and I see what everyone else sees: what seems to be a miserable person. I have tired eyes, a low brow, and a chronic frown that makes people ask if I'm feeling down. I feel that this means something, that even though there are times when I am genuinely happy, my emotional equilibrium rests at some sorrowful state. Sorrow isn't a good word to explain this feeling though; it's more like I'm displeased and unsatisfied with who I am. I guess that's more detached to real emotions. Like my own personality.

I feel like there's something in me, like a sunflower seed. Not literally, but I feel like my true emotions are inside a shell except that this shell is so much thicker than what's inside. Years of desensitizing my mental state. Show no expressions of feeling. I can't even look people in the eye sometime. My fear of social situations. What have I become?

I wish I had friends around. But I have to attempt to make them. That's the thing I don't understand. If you try to make friends, the people you're befriending didn't try. They just get them for granted. It's so unequal, yet everyone I've met, it seems that's the case. But for now, no one will appreciate someone who can't appreciate himself.

I have to learn to love myself, but it's so goddamn hard.
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My winter break is coming to an end.

Finally.

I'm actually excited to start school again, especially seeing everyone there. These past few weeks have really been a period of self-analyzation (is that a word?) and getting my head together. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I know what I'm looking for. This year is going to be amazing.

Firstly, some of you may have noticed that I have deleted my facebook/myspace accounts, which actually surprised myself how much time I wasted on those two websites. I feel that although you do communicate with people through those things, it really is detaching the true connection between people. From now on, I'd rather meet people in person more often and actually have a truer conversation going. If not that, actually spending the time to call people. I believe it removes the barrier of time and facades. 

The funny thing is, when you deactivate your account, they make it seem as if you're ending your life, which I found pretty hilarious. It said, "Are you sure you want to deactivate your account? You will not be able to communicate with 313 of your friends." Then five random friends with their pictures show up saying, "[Random person] will miss you." and then gives the option of sending last messages to those people. Then it lists a bunch of reasons as to why I might want to deactivate my account. I picked "I do not find Facebook useful," and then suddenly a box shows up and tells me that "Facebook is actually useful and you can find friends through *bullshit blah blah etc*." 

But I went through with this rediculous "suicide." How degenerative are we to rely on a website as a part of our lives? It's sad.

Secondly, I think I've decided that I am going to pursue a career in music. I've always said I wanted to do something in music, but I never really put in the effort to even start. But that doesn't mean I'm going to quit school or anything like that. I'm still going to major in business marketing, because I know that I don't have much of a chance of being successful in the music industry. However I am keeping my hopes up and I plan on investing in some studio recording equipment and such. Even though I enjoy playing piano, guitar, and recently bass, I think I'm going to make electronic music. Hopefully I'll be like those DJs at huge raves and stuff like that. But more importantly, I want to make music that's unique and has my name written all over it.

I feel as though there are two types of people who exist. People are either consumers or producers. Consumers are those of the mainstream, living life complacently and being fed all the pleasures of the world. I feel like I am a consumer, just seeking things to use and enjoy. But lately I've questioned if I'm happy with that, and frankly I don't think I am. I want to be a producer, a person who creates things for others to consume. I think producers maybe slightly off-kilter and strange, but its just the fact that they know there is more to achieve in life. Thus I want to be a musician, and create music that people will enjoy. I want to be one step ahead of everyone else, and accomplish something.

I want to be happy with myself. And hopefully I will be able to say so in the near future.


(P.S. Let me know how you feel. You can post remarks here without having a Blogger account, so let me know if you have something on your mind!)
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January 4, 2009. I find it funny that every time a new year begins, that the date looks really awkward. And I always have a tendency to still write 2008 whenever I need to write the date (which sucks when you're writing in pen). But this year, things will be different.

My new years resolution is to be more awesome than I already am. For some reason, I think that's going to be ridiculously hard to achieve. (sarcasm!) But I think I've planned everything so far so well that I think I just might.

Here is my list:

Hobbies
• Learn piano
• Learn guitar
• Buy bass guitar
• Learn bass guitar
• Restore saxophone
• Learn saxophone
• Restore trumpet
• Learn trumpet
• Buy Logic Express 8
• Learn Logic Express 8 
• Buy keyboard/synthesizer
• Buy mixer
• Create/Record music
• Go to some shows

Habits
• Work out 4 days a week
• Eat healthier
• Get a job
• Sleep early
• Learn how to cook
• Save $2000
• Do yoga
• Read more books
• Maintain a 3.5 GPA
• Blog every month (so far so good!)
• Stop biting nails
• Go online (Facebook/Myspace) less

Attitude/Personality
• Use time wisely
• Stay organized
• Make good friends
• Stop procrastinating
• Be confident in myself
• Maintain good self-esteem
• Respect family

I'd say thats a pretty huge list, but I think that gives me an even more incentive to keep myself busy. I plan on working to do at least something on this list every single day, and hopefully I'll be able to become the super-human that can achieve all these tasks. Music is basically my life, as you can see that's all that is on my hobby section of my resolutions.

I got an Urban Outfitters application yesterday, and hopefully that goes well and I'll be able to cross out "get a job" within this week! I guess that's all I have to say for now.

Happy New Years everyone, I hope everyone pursues a better life!
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