And I can't seem to pick myself up. Because I'm my worst enemy. It's really distressing to realize your own mind puts you down. Is that what depression is? I don't know. For the past several years of my life, this is something that has been bothering me and I don't know how to fix it.
Why do I always try, but can never be? It might not make sense, but I never seem to reach what I want. But there's no external forces against me, I can only blame myself. Those brief moments in my life when I feel like I can achieve something, it's only a few steps ahead when I say to myself that I will never become anything.
I look at a mirror, and I see what everyone else sees: what seems to be a miserable person. I have tired eyes, a low brow, and a chronic frown that makes people ask if I'm feeling down. I feel that this means something, that even though there are times when I am genuinely happy, my emotional equilibrium rests at some sorrowful state. Sorrow isn't a good word to explain this feeling though; it's more like I'm displeased and unsatisfied with who I am. I guess that's more detached to real emotions. Like my own personality.
I feel like there's something in me, like a sunflower seed. Not literally, but I feel like my true emotions are inside a shell except that this shell is so much thicker than what's inside. Years of desensitizing my mental state. Show no expressions of feeling. I can't even look people in the eye sometime. My fear of social situations. What have I become?
I wish I had friends around. But I have to attempt to make them. That's the thing I don't understand. If you try to make friends, the people you're befriending didn't try. They just get them for granted. It's so unequal, yet everyone I've met, it seems that's the case. But for now, no one will appreciate someone who can't appreciate himself.
I have to learn to love myself, but it's so goddamn hard.
3 comments :
I would try to be your friend, Jeff. Only, we're already friends. And everyone I meet thinks I am mean/mad/unhappy because of my face. i don't think my external features are too much of an indication of how I feel inside. But that's just me. Keep your chin up, Jeffo, and I hope we all learn to love ourselves, but you're right, it's extremely difficult
jeff, you are right. but im there with you, so youre not alone. don't worry, you'll get there. :]
Maybe we're just comfortable being miserable because its easy. Jess is right, you're definitely not alone.
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